Philosophy and Influences
My family is very important to me, and is my biggest influence. My family was blessed to be able to afford having my mother stay home with my sister and I when we were very young. My mother was an in-home childcare provider when we reached school-age. We lived across the street from my elementary school, and she provided care to families before and after school. There are many educators on both sides of my family. My father's eldest sister was a school teacher for over 30 years. Two of my favorite aunts both work closely with children. I also have a large extended family – my mother was the oldest of 10, and my father has four siblings. My parents are still together after 40 years (they were even in a long term marriage study at Cal!!), and I consider my family a huge blessing that influences my work with children.
With children, I tend to take the authoritative approach, which means that I provide a safe container, communicate about boundaries, but try not to act overbearing or have needless rules. I step back and allow children to discover, make mistakes, and explore as much as possible. I want children to be able to see the results of their actions, to experience the natural consequences of their movements, so I don't always move in to prevent a simple mistake if it's not harmful. I believe this is the best way to learn - through experience. I verbally explain as much as possible, in an age appropriate manner, so children can see the logical progression of their choices. This is in contrast to an authoritarian or extremely rigid, strict model that views children as property, objects, or beings to be controlled. I think we need to remember that we are raising children to be adults, and must treat them with dignity and respect. My focus is thus on building a relationship of trust, and unless really necessary, I don't wish to impose my own agenda upon them. I'd much rather discuss choices with children, so they can observe me as a role model of how to interact in a collaborative way.
I take safety and discipline very seriously. Safety-wise, my rules are simple. Children must be where I can see them, and where they can hear me. If we are on a hike, and they are too far away to hear me calling them to come back, they are too far. This rule is always discussed before we leave the car. My other basic rule in terms of behavior is respect. I have had the unfortunate experience of having to physically remove children from situations in which they were unsafe or destructive, and it breaks my heart to have to do so. I always try to talk with children instead of placing my hands on them. In addition to this being a liability issue, I believe that a child who complies willingly with directions is in a much healthier emotional place than one who must be forced. I only move a child if they are unsafe.
My approach is rooted in positive discipline. Like the preventative approach to health care that focuses on creating health as opposed to waiting until there is disease, this is a proactive approach that builds relationships and tries to prevent problems, so that when friction inevitably arises, there is a context for dealing with it. Essentially, most problems are resolved by talking with the children. Children are intrinsically motivated toward pro-social behavior. We don’t need to convince them with rewards, we need to build respectful, trusting relationships with them. In fact, many of the trends in behaviorism (such as sticker charts) that dominate the mainstream dialogue about interacting with children are unnecessary, counter productive, NOT backed up by research, and may even harm intrinsic motivation. Children know emotionally and intuitively if they’ve done something that hurts others and are naturally inclined toward harmony - we often must just get out of the way to allow them to find it.
I often ask children to ‘make amends’ of some sort, i.e. apologize if necessary (and genuinely felt), clean up whatever they are responsible for, or otherwise take action to correct their misbehavior. This often is as simple as asking the child to look into the eyes of the person they offended, and they will speak of their own accord. I also do not use rewards for good behavior. Good behavior is expected at all times, and is not something that is earned by bribes. I prefer to surprise children with random acts of kindness so they know they are always appreciated. I find that children intentionally act out, become sneaky, and use manipulation if the adults in their lives use praise, rewards, threats and bribes. This goes along with the positive behavior model used by modern Montessorians and is written about extensively by Alfie Kohn, among others.
A word about consequences vs. punishment. Consequences are logical, in scale with the infraction, immediate, discussed calmly, and age appropriate. For example, asking a child to pick up something they have thrown or clean up a mess they made. Punishment is punitive, doled out with anger, or not age appropriate (i.e. spanking). It also does not work as well, specifically that it does not teach the child the desired behavior. Instead, it teaches the child that if an adult catches you, you get in trouble. This can create fear, shame, and behaviors where children hide their actions or become sneaky and manipulative. Consequences teach children by having a positive, do-able action that is associated with a choice that was verbally communicated. Ideally, it is not imposed, but experienced; such as, if a child forgets their coat, they will be cold. Conversation regarding consequences leads to a feeling of respect and autonomy, so the child internalizes morals and values. This is in contrast to having an experience with a powerful external authority that the child ultimately resents; or they may only behave in pro-social ways when that authority is present.
Philosophically, Abraham Maslow was one of the most significant theorists I studied in college. His pyramid of human needs, and his ideas about self-actualization, were fascinating. He also discussed the need for psychologists to study health and happiness, rather than pathology.
Marshall Rosenburg and his system of Non-Violent Communication (aka Compassionate Communication) are one of the tools I use. I have presented this model to numerous groups of children: the fifth grade peer leaders at McLane Elementary in Olympia, WA; the third grade class I worked with at LeConte Elementary in Berkeley, CA; my friend Sara Levine’s 4th grade class at Oakland Hebrew Day School. One way to use this tool is to remind children to start their sentences with "I" during conflict. Also, role modeling active listening by repeating the words children say. Finally, children in moments of emotional stress often forget the appropriate words, so we must give them to them. I will either offer the exact words, such as "You can say, please....." or I will ask the child as a reminder that they do know the respectful words to use: "So what would you like to say to your friend?" or "So what would you like your friend to do (or not do)?"
Finally, of course Maria Montessori's writings and philosophy are a major influence. Her beliefs about treating children with dignity, giving them freedom and choice, and how the formation of character in early childhood relates to communities at peace, is incredibly enlightened. Children under six years of age are often not given enough trust in their own capacity to do for themselves. After doing dozens of observations, I have learned what a quality program does (and does not) look like and love the calmness & confidence of children in a well-run Montessori classroom.
With children, I tend to take the authoritative approach, which means that I provide a safe container, communicate about boundaries, but try not to act overbearing or have needless rules. I step back and allow children to discover, make mistakes, and explore as much as possible. I want children to be able to see the results of their actions, to experience the natural consequences of their movements, so I don't always move in to prevent a simple mistake if it's not harmful. I believe this is the best way to learn - through experience. I verbally explain as much as possible, in an age appropriate manner, so children can see the logical progression of their choices. This is in contrast to an authoritarian or extremely rigid, strict model that views children as property, objects, or beings to be controlled. I think we need to remember that we are raising children to be adults, and must treat them with dignity and respect. My focus is thus on building a relationship of trust, and unless really necessary, I don't wish to impose my own agenda upon them. I'd much rather discuss choices with children, so they can observe me as a role model of how to interact in a collaborative way.
I take safety and discipline very seriously. Safety-wise, my rules are simple. Children must be where I can see them, and where they can hear me. If we are on a hike, and they are too far away to hear me calling them to come back, they are too far. This rule is always discussed before we leave the car. My other basic rule in terms of behavior is respect. I have had the unfortunate experience of having to physically remove children from situations in which they were unsafe or destructive, and it breaks my heart to have to do so. I always try to talk with children instead of placing my hands on them. In addition to this being a liability issue, I believe that a child who complies willingly with directions is in a much healthier emotional place than one who must be forced. I only move a child if they are unsafe.
My approach is rooted in positive discipline. Like the preventative approach to health care that focuses on creating health as opposed to waiting until there is disease, this is a proactive approach that builds relationships and tries to prevent problems, so that when friction inevitably arises, there is a context for dealing with it. Essentially, most problems are resolved by talking with the children. Children are intrinsically motivated toward pro-social behavior. We don’t need to convince them with rewards, we need to build respectful, trusting relationships with them. In fact, many of the trends in behaviorism (such as sticker charts) that dominate the mainstream dialogue about interacting with children are unnecessary, counter productive, NOT backed up by research, and may even harm intrinsic motivation. Children know emotionally and intuitively if they’ve done something that hurts others and are naturally inclined toward harmony - we often must just get out of the way to allow them to find it.
I often ask children to ‘make amends’ of some sort, i.e. apologize if necessary (and genuinely felt), clean up whatever they are responsible for, or otherwise take action to correct their misbehavior. This often is as simple as asking the child to look into the eyes of the person they offended, and they will speak of their own accord. I also do not use rewards for good behavior. Good behavior is expected at all times, and is not something that is earned by bribes. I prefer to surprise children with random acts of kindness so they know they are always appreciated. I find that children intentionally act out, become sneaky, and use manipulation if the adults in their lives use praise, rewards, threats and bribes. This goes along with the positive behavior model used by modern Montessorians and is written about extensively by Alfie Kohn, among others.
A word about consequences vs. punishment. Consequences are logical, in scale with the infraction, immediate, discussed calmly, and age appropriate. For example, asking a child to pick up something they have thrown or clean up a mess they made. Punishment is punitive, doled out with anger, or not age appropriate (i.e. spanking). It also does not work as well, specifically that it does not teach the child the desired behavior. Instead, it teaches the child that if an adult catches you, you get in trouble. This can create fear, shame, and behaviors where children hide their actions or become sneaky and manipulative. Consequences teach children by having a positive, do-able action that is associated with a choice that was verbally communicated. Ideally, it is not imposed, but experienced; such as, if a child forgets their coat, they will be cold. Conversation regarding consequences leads to a feeling of respect and autonomy, so the child internalizes morals and values. This is in contrast to having an experience with a powerful external authority that the child ultimately resents; or they may only behave in pro-social ways when that authority is present.
Philosophically, Abraham Maslow was one of the most significant theorists I studied in college. His pyramid of human needs, and his ideas about self-actualization, were fascinating. He also discussed the need for psychologists to study health and happiness, rather than pathology.
Marshall Rosenburg and his system of Non-Violent Communication (aka Compassionate Communication) are one of the tools I use. I have presented this model to numerous groups of children: the fifth grade peer leaders at McLane Elementary in Olympia, WA; the third grade class I worked with at LeConte Elementary in Berkeley, CA; my friend Sara Levine’s 4th grade class at Oakland Hebrew Day School. One way to use this tool is to remind children to start their sentences with "I" during conflict. Also, role modeling active listening by repeating the words children say. Finally, children in moments of emotional stress often forget the appropriate words, so we must give them to them. I will either offer the exact words, such as "You can say, please....." or I will ask the child as a reminder that they do know the respectful words to use: "So what would you like to say to your friend?" or "So what would you like your friend to do (or not do)?"
Finally, of course Maria Montessori's writings and philosophy are a major influence. Her beliefs about treating children with dignity, giving them freedom and choice, and how the formation of character in early childhood relates to communities at peace, is incredibly enlightened. Children under six years of age are often not given enough trust in their own capacity to do for themselves. After doing dozens of observations, I have learned what a quality program does (and does not) look like and love the calmness & confidence of children in a well-run Montessori classroom.
A bathroom set up for a child's complete (and ergonomic) independent access.
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Age appropriate toilet learning is often politely ignored in our culture. Rest assured, I've had years of experience helping educate children about appropriate bathroom behavior, from basic toileting to reminders about proper hand washing with older children. The book "Montessori From The Start" has some fabulous tips on this issue. A few reminders taken mainly from this book:
* Children are most easily potty trained before they hit the development stage of autonomy (and often resistance) around age 2. So start as early as age 1 (or whenever they can stand/walk); at least by 18 months, and best before age 2.
* Space and convenience is sometimes an issue if a family has only one bathroom - do whatever it takes to create an environment for your child to independently access the toilet & sink (step stools, etc...)
* Use plain white cotton trainer pants with extra padding in the crotch to begin with (this also eliminates negotiations/meltdowns about needing the Star Wars vs the train pants). You want cotton on the skin so the child can clearly feel the wetness when/if there has been an accident.
* Reserve underwear shopping trips for after the child has mastered the skill of controlling their bodily functions (this is a celebration, and practical - most children's underwear is not absorbent)
* Most commercial pull ups do not work well - they are actually harder for children to pull up independently. They're also confusing - children's don't differentiate between peeing in a diaper and peeing in a pull up. Either pee goes in the toilet, or pee goes in the pants. Diapers and plastic pants also create a 'sauna' effect, which often makes peeing in them a warm, pleasurable experience for the child.
* Rewards are not necessary, punishments scary & ineffective, and various star charts confusing to the non-logical mind of children this age. Children will only learn this is a unique and important (to the adult) activity (one they can get treats out of) if you give it that emphasis. Be nonchalant and casual, and rewards/punishments simply aren't required.
* Finally, keep in mind that teaching appropriate toilet behavior is NOT a choice (just like changing a poopy diaper wasn't a 'choice' back when they were 4 months old). This is not something a child of this age/stage is developmentally capable of making decisions about. Since this is the first major hurdle of social expectation, it is the parents responsibility to calmly, consistently teach what is acceptable. Don't get confused by all the hubbub - it's just another skill. The only reason it becomes so loaded or pressured is because of our social ideas or personal experiences about it - not the child's. You don't need to wait for them to be 'ready' (physically, the muscles and nerves are ready around 12 months). You simply teach them by role-modeling and consistently offering the opportunity for practice. They'll get it eventually.
Links about toileting:
http://michaelolaf.net/08%20toileting1.htm
http://aidtolife.org/independence/toileting2.htm
http://www.dailymontessori.com/self-development/toilet-learning-vs-toilet-training/
http://thefreechild.blogspot.com/2011/07/toileting-montessori-way.html
* Children are most easily potty trained before they hit the development stage of autonomy (and often resistance) around age 2. So start as early as age 1 (or whenever they can stand/walk); at least by 18 months, and best before age 2.
* Space and convenience is sometimes an issue if a family has only one bathroom - do whatever it takes to create an environment for your child to independently access the toilet & sink (step stools, etc...)
* Use plain white cotton trainer pants with extra padding in the crotch to begin with (this also eliminates negotiations/meltdowns about needing the Star Wars vs the train pants). You want cotton on the skin so the child can clearly feel the wetness when/if there has been an accident.
* Reserve underwear shopping trips for after the child has mastered the skill of controlling their bodily functions (this is a celebration, and practical - most children's underwear is not absorbent)
* Most commercial pull ups do not work well - they are actually harder for children to pull up independently. They're also confusing - children's don't differentiate between peeing in a diaper and peeing in a pull up. Either pee goes in the toilet, or pee goes in the pants. Diapers and plastic pants also create a 'sauna' effect, which often makes peeing in them a warm, pleasurable experience for the child.
* Rewards are not necessary, punishments scary & ineffective, and various star charts confusing to the non-logical mind of children this age. Children will only learn this is a unique and important (to the adult) activity (one they can get treats out of) if you give it that emphasis. Be nonchalant and casual, and rewards/punishments simply aren't required.
* Finally, keep in mind that teaching appropriate toilet behavior is NOT a choice (just like changing a poopy diaper wasn't a 'choice' back when they were 4 months old). This is not something a child of this age/stage is developmentally capable of making decisions about. Since this is the first major hurdle of social expectation, it is the parents responsibility to calmly, consistently teach what is acceptable. Don't get confused by all the hubbub - it's just another skill. The only reason it becomes so loaded or pressured is because of our social ideas or personal experiences about it - not the child's. You don't need to wait for them to be 'ready' (physically, the muscles and nerves are ready around 12 months). You simply teach them by role-modeling and consistently offering the opportunity for practice. They'll get it eventually.
Links about toileting:
http://michaelolaf.net/08%20toileting1.htm
http://aidtolife.org/independence/toileting2.htm
http://www.dailymontessori.com/self-development/toilet-learning-vs-toilet-training/
http://thefreechild.blogspot.com/2011/07/toileting-montessori-way.html
Works of interest
"The Discovery of the Child", Maria Montessori
"The Science Behind the Genius", Angeline Lillard
"Montessori From the Start", Paula P. Lillard
"The Baby Book", William Sears
"What to expect: the first year", Sandee Hathaway, Arlene Eisenberg, Heidi Murkoff
"Secrets of the Baby Whisperer", Tracy Hogg
"The No-Cry Sleep Solution", Elizabeth Pantley
"Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child", Marc Weissbluth, M.D.
"The Happiest Baby on the Block", Harvey Karp M.D.
"The 90-minute baby sleep program", Polly Moore, Ph. D.
"Bringing up Bebe", Pamela Druckerman
"Non Violent Communication", Marshall Rosenberg
"The Discovery of the Child", Maria Montessori
"The Science Behind the Genius", Angeline Lillard
"Montessori From the Start", Paula P. Lillard
"The Baby Book", William Sears
"What to expect: the first year", Sandee Hathaway, Arlene Eisenberg, Heidi Murkoff
"Secrets of the Baby Whisperer", Tracy Hogg
"The No-Cry Sleep Solution", Elizabeth Pantley
"Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child", Marc Weissbluth, M.D.
"The Happiest Baby on the Block", Harvey Karp M.D.
"The 90-minute baby sleep program", Polly Moore, Ph. D.
"Bringing up Bebe", Pamela Druckerman
"Non Violent Communication", Marshall Rosenberg
